Coming out of the closet

I'm the wife of an ex-Christian agnostic.

I know that's the title of my blog and should be obvious, but people that haven't been a part of my story for long or are friends from afar, may not know that about me.  In fact, I don't know if I have ever posted a link to this blog on Facebook before whereby the masses would get knowledge of this fact.

Don't ask me why.  I'm not really sure I know.  But maybe it's time I did.

A friend sent me a link to a post recently by a woman who is walking a similar journey to mine.  She's a few years into it and mentioned the lack of stories like ours and the need to find those stories, to know that someone else is walking this out and what does that look like?  What can that look like?

I started this blog several years ago with the thought that I'd be writing our story as it unfolded but somehow between babies and diapers and now teenagers and young kids I just haven't consistently found the time.

So here I am with a renewed vision and desire to get it written down, to chronicle the journey with its ups and downs.

Because today, I think I had a moment where the Lord gave me a peek into all of these men and women going through "deconversions" and those of us spouses now in a relationship with an unbeliever.

Before my husband began this journey, I was all about defending my faith and having a ready answer for those who questioned it.  Today, not so much.  It's not that I don't know how to defend it or I don't have a ready answer; rather, it's because if this journey has taught me anything, it's taught me that having the right answer isn't the way to a good relationship.

Relationship is the way to a good relationship, and on this path I have learned how to be in close relationship with someone who does not believe what I believe anymore.

If you go back and read our story from the beginning, you'll know that I did everything "right."  I found a godly man who was committed to God and in a passionate, authentic relationship with Him.  We fell in love and married.  We did ministry together.

Then four years into our marriage, he had a huge crisis of faith that spun him off into this realm of questions and doubts that we certainly never saw coming and neverinamillionyears would have predicted the subsequent years of living together in that tension.

Now I'm seeing that there are many more out there, walking this out with varying degrees of difficulty and success, but walking nonetheless.  And that's just those who are represented in the blogosphere.

Today, out of nowhere, the Lord drops this thought into my head: "what if I'm raising up an army of people who know how to relate to those who believe differently in a way that builds relationship instead of tears it down."

I've been grieved for sometime by the way the church is now defined by what it defends and what it doesn't do and what is against instead of by our love.  Jesus said "They will know you are Christians by your love."

I'm not speaking for everyone or every situation, but what I hear and see is that for the world "Christian" is not synonymous with love the majority of the time.  Rather it is linked with boycotts and protests and a political party and "anti."

Please don't read into any of that what I am not saying.  I'm not saying we shouldn't stand up for what is right.  I am saying, though, that we don't do it at the cost of relationship which is how it seems to have played out for far too long in the public eye.

When my husband had his moment of decision to break away from all that he had ever known theologically, it was rough.  Lots of debates and tears (mine) and frustration (his).  But we loved each other and had to find a way to stay connected intimately, to focus on what we do have in common, and to allow our differences to bring us together, not tear us apart.

And that's the church that Jesus wants to raise up.  A people who know how to be in relationships with others and still disagree in a way that honors the person over proving a point or being right.

So to those of you out there on this journey like I am, keep fighting for intimacy in your marriages.  Keep holding onto the Hope that Jesus has overcome the world.  Keep walking in love and honor because it matters.

It really does matter.